I suppose an alternative title to this blog would be, "Losing My Religion". Yes, like the song. For the first 18 years of my life, I was raised Pentecostal. I never questioned what I was taught; I simply accepted it, believed in it, preached it, and tried to live by it. I went to church at least three times a week, went to the church-school, and was constantly surrounded by like-minded friends.

Then, when I turned 18 and moved out on my own, I stopped going to church and lost touch with most of my friends. I still believed in God and still believed that the Bible was the infallible word of God. However, I didn't necessarily still believe everything I had been taught as a child. For example, that a woman wearing pants, jewelry, or make-up is a sin. Or that movie theaters and skating rinks are bad places. Or that anything but Gospel music is Satan's music.

Fast-forward seven years and now I don't know what I believe anymore. I certainly don't believe in my old religion. I'm not sure if I believe anything in the Bible, given what I've learned from studying a bit of Biology, Paleontology, Astronomy, etc. lately... But do I still believe in God? Or that there is a God, or deity, or whatever?

I was in a retrospective state of mind last night, thinking of all of the personal struggles we've experienced over the past three years due to the fall of the economy, and thought, "This just can't be all for nothing. This can't be all there is. If this is all there is, what's the point of living? Why don't I just kill myself now and be done with it?"

It makes my brain hurt to think that we came from nothing and return to nothing, and that our lives are pointless, and what we do doesn't matter. How is that possible? How can anyone be okay with that if it's true?

The human species, even the most insignificant of us, survives on hope: hope for a better day tomorrow, hope for that big promotion, hope that it won't rain, hope that we have enough money for gas/food/clothing... If our lives are all for nothing, we have nothing to hope for, and thus, nothing to live for.

I can write away religion, I can even write away the Bible, but I just can't bring myself to write away the idea that there is something or someone out there that created us, that has a purpose for us, that gives our lives meaning.

On the flip side, if there is someone out there, who is it? Why are we here? What does happen after we die? Who is right? The Pentecostals? The Baptists? The Catholics? The Hindus? The Mormons? No one?

... these thoughts never let me rest.